Not really sure where to begin on this one.
It was a bit of a surprise to me when my sister stopped what she was doing and made an effort to get my attention. A huge smile was plastered on her face. She had just made Joe a peanut butter and honey sandwich for breakfast. I had "let" her prepare it. The magnitude of this act ... this act of me "letting" her ... was enormous to her. She let me know it. I had no idea. I had no idea what I had been like over the years. Looking back, I see it. The control. The measuring. The weighing. The preparing. The counting.
I was oblivious to how I was making my family and friends feel by my actions.
They have watched me suffer. No, I am not feeling sorry for myself here. But, they have. They have watched me mourn a "normal" life and incorporate the diabetes bullshit into my day-in-the-life...into Joe's day-in-the-life. They have endured the apathy that took hold and rooted in my core for a couple of years following Joe's diagnosis. They know it has not been an easy path. I hide my feelings, my hurts, my difficulties, as many of you know, with humor. I didn't even have the energy to do that for a period of time. It was perhaps worse for them than for me.
Back to the peanut butter and honey sandwich...
I am not sure if people think I am in need of the "control" that goes into all of the food that Joe consumes. You see ... it is not that. It is not that at all. In a way, I think ... I am trying to spare anyone else the burden of managing diabetes. I don't want others to worry about measuring a teaspoon of honey or jelly, or cutting off the crust of the bread, or weighing out some grapes, or measuring out a 1/2 cup of juice. The day-in and out of this never-ending-ness, of this "grind", has been mine to bear. Martyrdom? I dunno. But, that has how it has gone down. I am not saying it is right. I am not saying it is OK. I am just telling you how it has been. Little did I realize that I have made others feel "left out" in a sense. I believe, I handled this poorly.
More importantly, what have I been showing Joe through my actions? And. What am I showing him by what I revealed here? Am I teaching him to shoulder the burden on his own? That is not how I wanted this to go down. This is not my intention. I have work to do.
A day-in-the-life of letting go.