Not really sure where to begin on this one.
It was a bit of a surprise to me when my sister stopped what she was doing and made an effort to get my attention. A huge smile was plastered on her face. She had just made Joe a peanut butter and honey sandwich for breakfast. I had "let" her prepare it. The magnitude of this act ... this act of me "letting" her ... was enormous to her. She let me know it. I had no idea. I had no idea what I had been like over the years. Looking back, I see it. The control. The measuring. The weighing. The preparing. The counting.
I was oblivious to how I was making my family and friends feel by my actions.
They have watched me suffer. No, I am not feeling sorry for myself here. But, they have. They have watched me mourn a "normal" life and incorporate the diabetes bullshit into my day-in-the-life...into Joe's day-in-the-life. They have endured the apathy that took hold and rooted in my core for a couple of years following Joe's diagnosis. They know it has not been an easy path. I hide my feelings, my hurts, my difficulties, as many of you know, with humor. I didn't even have the energy to do that for a period of time. It was perhaps worse for them than for me.
Back to the peanut butter and honey sandwich...
I am not sure if people think I am in need of the "control" that goes into all of the food that Joe consumes. You see ... it is not that. It is not that at all. In a way, I think ... I am trying to spare anyone else the burden of managing diabetes. I don't want others to worry about measuring a teaspoon of honey or jelly, or cutting off the crust of the bread, or weighing out some grapes, or measuring out a 1/2 cup of juice. The day-in and out of this never-ending-ness, of this "grind", has been mine to bear. Martyrdom? I dunno. But, that has how it has gone down. I am not saying it is right. I am not saying it is OK. I am just telling you how it has been. Little did I realize that I have made others feel "left out" in a sense. I believe, I handled this poorly.
More importantly, what have I been showing Joe through my actions? And. What am I showing him by what I revealed here? Am I teaching him to shoulder the burden on his own? That is not how I wanted this to go down. This is not my intention. I have work to do.
A day-in-the-life of letting go.
23 comments:
I wish you wouldn't doubt your actions to give "D" some sense of control. "D" needs control and you have done everything in your power (incl. weighing and measuring everything) to let Joe have a healthy, happy childhood so don't regret or look back on it with sadness.
You are an amazing mother Reyna and I'm sure that all that care about Joe will understand your actions to keep him safe. Love, strength and hugs to you.
This is so thought-provoking. I am sure I have done the same. And what does my family think? What have I taught my kids? Will I ever let go? I'll be pondering all of this for quite some time.
This D life is complicated, isn't it?!
I hear ya loud and clear! Same feeling here Reyna! Oh, and Maddi's fav breakfast is PB honey toast :)
You are doing what needs to be done! It's "normal" xoxo
All I can say is you made my day, week, month by letting me do the sandwich. I was so excited months ago when i got to poor the milk and now a sandwich and that may sound stupid but i am an action girl and you allowing me to help well it just was awesome. I think you are doing a great job. You are an amazing mom, sister and pancreas and thank you so much for letting me help. Dang it was awesome. Wooot wooot.
I think more than anything you are ready to move to the next level. Letting go of the sandwich was one of many actions that are going to get you to his teenage years when he will be counting his own carbs, and deciding on his own boluses. Sure, you will be there guiding...but right now you need to give up little by little the control you have enjoyed lo these many years. The control...that was a good thing. You are his mother who loves him more than anything, your weighing and meticuous counting shows that. Rather than feeling bad, celebrate that you were able to let go of that sandwich. Every day is a victory friend! You rock! I believe your sister said it best above. LOOOOOOVE YOU!
The letting go is SO hard. It took me so long, too long really, to hand things over to my husband. I know it was frustrating for him. I am working on that same letting go with my friends who take care of Addison. Small steps..but in a way those small steps are really such big ones. You are doing great Reyna. We all admire your parenting and your strength. XO
Brilliant! Reading Not Dead Yet made me realize this, but I haven't put it into action yet. Good for you and your sis!
Today it's a sandwich, tomorrow it's college.
D MUST have someone in control. It's not that you've pushed people aside...it's that you have had to learn the "rules" so that it could be taught to others.
My friend, you are doing amazing. I'm sure that sandwich was the best one EVER. Very proud of you and your sister.
Well done, Buddy :)
Totally feeling the same same her...sometimes I even find myself just doing it (food prep stuff) so my own husband doesn't have to...it's hard. I wish I knew why I've been dealing with things this way. xo
I really like Wendy's comment.
You are too hard on yourself. I am a control freak too, I won't let anybody make my coffee because nobody makes it the way I like it.
and that's just coffee! never mind my overall health! One step at a time my dear.
This is a interesting post...my sis just got a little miffed at me the other day because I hopped into serve up Isaac's dessert, you know it had to be measured just right or else...well, um...I guess or else we could have to fix a improperly dosed insulin, right? I am trying hard to not be so controlling but it is hard. I bet Tara felt very special to be able to make Joe a sandwich, just as my sister did last night when she scooped up Isaac's ice cream, making sure to measure it just so and deliver it to him with a smile. These amazing people around us have definitely had to deal with a lot of change too, sometimes it's hard to remember their perspective. Thanks for this post Reyna, lets me know once again that I am not alone in this tough walk.
Wow...and here I am as yet another "control freak"...one who doesn't trust ANYONE when they say that their cooking doesn't contain any traces of what my kid is severely allergic to. I feel like that should be my burden and responsibility and fear that I hurt people close to me, too. And then you've got TONS more work to do with Joe's type 1. This post makes me feel more like a normal human being and it gives me a lot to think about so thank you :) And I agree-Don't be so hard on yourself. Every parent has to cope in their own way and you've done what comes natural to you, you know where you want to go, and we see Joe thriving! And your eyes are so pretty! (ok that was sort of off topic but I couldn't help it!)
I read this, this morning but wasn't sure what to say.
You're not wrong, you're just trying to keep Joe alive. You would do the same for Bridget if needed.
The "mom" thing can be difficult. Been there, done that, they're grown and I still have my moments. Throw in a disease and it gets very complicated.
Letting go, little by little, is good.
There is NO right or wrong way. Just your way.
And yeah, you have great eyes!
Oh my dear sweet Reyna, this path is full of so much, isn't it?! Your honesty is beauty my friend. YOU are an amazing mom, who is doing the BEST job raising and teaching Joe. So, the control thing is not going as you had hoped? Well, then you can change it if it doesn't work for you, that's the beauty of your kids and your life. You are doing what every D Mama does to keep their kid alive. Same same on so many levels.
And since we are being honest, can I confess something here? I don't measure. Not even a little bit. Yeah I have a scale, but I hardly use it. I eyeball everything, then I read about all of you measuring and weighing and I feel like a failure. So, it swings both ways. We are where we are, it's OK and I'd you don't like it, you can change it.
Tara is such great sister to you and loves Joe and B so much, that's evident. Maybe letting go and letting Tara do some things is one way to ease up. I'm not saying I know the path, all I guess I am saying is that I understand my friend.
And you ever planning on getting back to me about the email I sent you about CWD in Philly in February? Cause now you are just ticking me off :0) but in a good way. Hee hee hee
I have from the very beginning been willing to let others give me shots, test my blood sugar, have their blood sugar tested, count carbs with me or for me, and calculate my doses.
But if it was my little brother who had diabetes, or a future child of mine, I'm sure I wouldn't have, just like, when I was taking care of my baby brother back when he really was a baby, I wouldn't have encouraged somebody who'd never changed a diaper to change my brother's.
It's harder to take care of somebody else's blood sugar (except maybe when your blood sugar is making you feel too sick to focus on how to take care of your own blood sugar). It's hard enough to take responsibility for hurting your own body. It's much harder to have responsibility for somebody else's.
I can confidently let somebody else stick a needle into me or count my carbs because it's my body and if I trusted the wrong person, it's only me who will get hurt. I would never want to put my kid in the position of guinea pig.
Joe is older and more capable and you probably have much better trouble shooting skills and if somebody messes up on his carb counts (or any other aspect of his D care) the both of you can handle it. It costs you less now to have novices involved in his care.
You have nothing to be ashamed of for not wanting to pay that price earlier.
We all have work to do. It's comforting to know I'm not alone....
You say "control" like that is not normal? Like it is bad? ;) lol I like to think of it as the next phase. Joe was just a wee one when you started this gauntlet. He is still but a young boy. They mature so fast and grow so quickly. They are forced to, with everything they are faced with. (sometimes I feel like every year with D is like, at least 2, maybe 3or 4 "normal" years!) We forget they are still young. The party has not ended, no reason to regret yet! You are an awesome mother.I have no doubt you will look at where you are, where you have been and then help your son to see that you, and he, are ready to take on the next phase of life. Keep the faith!
I agree. Thought provoking. And I think you are doing a great job. Sometimes I think things happen like this to let us know we don't have to do it alone. There are sisters and moms and even some friends who are standing by waiting to offer a helping hand. Don't be hard on yourself, Rey. Rather, be thankful for a supa sista that is waiting in the wings wanting to pitch in. Heart you, Lady.
I so get this. This is so me. I hate asking people for help. Hate asking them to carry this burden. And there's a part of me that just only trusts a few people. But I know that's not always good. You go on ahead... And then pull me along this road. Ok?!?
We are all guilty of it. Somehow, it feels better and is just easier to do it yourself. There are so many little factors that go through your head. You are, afterall, his pancreas until he can be his own. The doctor told me when Lily was dx'd that pretty soon, I'd be the expert and know more than him since I will be caring for her 24/7. We are creatures of habit so don't be too rough on yourself. Joe has a lifetime to have this added factor(hate calling it a burden)so I think you are a great mom for allowing him a childhood and just doing what you do best...mommying and pancreasing (??). AND...the only part of diabets we CAN control is what we put in their mouths so it is only natural. Love ya girl! Chin up!
Its Lexi. Locked out of my actual acct. Anyhoo
I read this and wonder......I have never ever had anyone (besides hubs) offer to prepare Justices meal, so if I did I'm not sure how id react.
I love you sister. I love you.
Let her dose it out, kick ya feet up. You so deserve it.
like joe is taking baby steps in his independence, this is you taking a baby step to let others help in this way. but there's nothing 'baby' about them, are there?
thanks, as always, for sharing yourself here. it helps us all.
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