Rough night ~
Several insulin correction doses through the night at two hour increments, a site failure, and subsequently a whole site "change-out" at 1am...another correction, a ketone check, a water re-fill, and a "tuck-in" of Joe, after the previously mentioned rendezvous between a needle and his ass cheek was our night last night. This is the reality of some of our nights. Most likely, our night sounds familiar to many of you. You live this. I live this. Our families live this. Live this way.
I may not know your diagnosis story. Your grief steps and stages may differ from mine. Your grieving timeline may have been quick. Or, it may have been tedious and long. Possibly, it oscillates back and forth on a grief-like pendulum, as I believe mine does.
What I do know, what I can tell you, is that it does get easier. I cannot tell you when. I cannot tell you how, but it does. Time helps. Living through it, although painful, helps. Family helps. Friends, they help.
Your circumstances in this life are, most likely, different than mine. Your support systems, your financial status, your vices vary from mine.
That is OK.
This is no matter.
What I can tell you is that you will make it through. When times seem bleak, your drive and determination to care for your child will see you to the next blood glucose number, to the next site change, to the next meal to carb count. You have no choice. It is your lot in life. You will do it. You will do it for your child. You will do it for you.
I am not sure if you are able to check a blood sugar, or give an injection, or insert a pump site without your child wincing or tearing-up. I know we still endure that here, sometimes... over four years into type 1 in our lives.
This I know. Sadly, it becomes easier to see the winces, to experience the cries, and to carry-on with business as usual. It is what must be done. There is no choice. You will do it. You have to.
How many tears have you shed since your child's diagnosis? This I do not know. I am sure it differs for us all, just as the grieving process does.
What I do know is that there will be rough patches no matter how much experience you have with managing diabetes in your child's life. You will be challenged. You will falter. You will learn. You will carry-on. You have no choice. You have to.
The instability of your child's blood sugar numbers, the "no rhyme, nor reason", the frustrations may visit you frequently, or ocassionally, or rarely. I don't know what you are currently enduring. I don't know your unique situation. I am unsure of the struggles you are facing presently.
What I do know. What I can tell you with certainty...especially those of you with young, young children with diabetes...is that the numbers will even out a bit. The variances will become less extreme. The lability will stagnate. You will sustain without yielding. It may be years of managing challenging numbers. It will knock you to your knees begging for mercy. It will challenge your mental and physical well being. However, you can do this. You will do this. You will do it for you. You will endure it for the love of your child.
Perhaps that is why so many of us struggle. There was no choice. We do not have a choice. Our children do not have a choice. It just "is". So we do.
I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to.
A day-in-the-life of hope.