Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The In-Between Place

11:58pm last night...on the heels of the news of another child lost, at the age of 13, to Type 1 Diabetes...


I hear it.  Is it part of my dream?  As I lay there in some sort of state between wake and sleep, I try to figure it out.  The sound.  What is it?  Then it stops.  My mind rests.  I slip back into sleep.

It starts again.  I hear it.  My body and mind struggle with the sound; having a difficult time placing it.

Some nights it seems that Joe's Dexcom can alarm for a good hour before I wake enough to identify it.  There are hours of my nights that are spent in that "middle" place...not awake...not sleeping...in a cloudy haze.  Too tired to wake.  Too awake to sleep.  If that makes any sense what-so-ever.

Finally, I placed the sound.  Shit.  It is Dexter.

"LOW" is on the screen.  The "Under 55 Low" alarm.

I kinda lay beside Joe, as I ready the glucometer...eyes half-focused...so tired...cannot really tell if he is breathing...he is not really moving...or responding to my touch as I handle his finger for lancing.  Good.  The blood comes quick after the poke.  A sign of life. 

The blood is wicked up the test strip.  The glucometer counts down 5~4~3~2~1.  A 105 graces the screen.

I shutdown Dexter.  His accuracy has been off with this sensor.

I leave my 3:00am alarm set.  The 105 bears watching.

A day-in-the-life of my nights watching over Joe. 

12 comments:

Liz said...

I can't tell you how many nights I'm in the "middle" place. I hear the Dexcom but I'm not awake and it seems to dwell in my dream.

It must be so hard to get any sleep as a pancreating-parent. Even when you are asleep, part of you has to be aware at all times. Too bad the Dexcom doesn't come with a loud speaker!!!

(So sorry to hear of another child lost to T1D. There are no words.)

NikDuck said...

Oh yes, the in between spot of sleeping. I turn off the cell alarm so many times without getting up and still don't really sleep feeling so confused about what I'm supposed to be doing. Sometimes it's an hour after the alarm that I finally check her.

The Alexander's said...

This is a really weird question...but how do you hear about the poor kiddos that have been lost due to T1? So sad.

Good catch last night :)

Reyna said...

Not a weird question at all. Through social media.

Joanne said...

Sometimes I am so glad I don't do fb or twitter... I spend a lot of time in the in-between as it is.

Kelly said...

Oh the IN BETWEEN!!! HATE IT! Seems my REM cycles are always in between lately. I cant wake up half the time, and if I do, I have to literally squint to keep one eye open to see the number clearly. CRAZY!! Last night after hearing the 13yr old post on FB I woke up in a panic at midnight!

Glad the Dex was wrong, but I wish it was more accurate at the same time! Wouldnt it be nice if sensors could be "perfected?"

Becky V said...

Hate finally leaving the 'in between place' to find that my alarm has been going off and I've been snoozing it for an hour. :( Mostly it bothers me because I know if I would have just managed to get out of bed when it first went off I would have had 55 min of uninterrupted sleep. But we are all doing the best we can and have to pray that God will take care of the rest.

Lora said...

Makes total sense... I feel like the in between sleep is all I'm ever allowed to get. So exhausting.

Denise aka Mom of Bean said...

so glad there's company in the in-between...I'm there more often than I'd like to be!

Sarah said...

wait you mean there is something else?
that's all i get these days is in-between sleep?
and darn it tonight I'm getting nothing?
Isaac's BG has been 70...oye. Juice box, pump turned down, glucose tabs, EVERYTHING and still 70.
This is the part that is tough for me to get through to others - sometimes alls I do is wait. I can't go to bed, because I'd just have to get up in another 15 minutes, so I treat and wait, treat and wait, treat and wait.
Now, i am wondering how people function enough to work, too. Someday I hope to work again. I miss it, but wonder how I could ever focus long enough. Sad times for me right now. I just miss feeling whole. Sorry, Reyna, this night just SUCKS booty and I am hoping that the rest of the d-rents are getting a whole lot more sleep than I am!

Reyna said...

Oh Sarah ! I hope you got some rest. Me too ... I get wanting to be "whole" again.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Moving post, Reyna. Scary. Even as an adult with T1, I often have those in between times. Even when the CGM is inches away from my ear, it still seems like a battle to fight through the influence of sleep to wake up.