The Mirror

As we walked side-by-side through the parking garage into the hospital yesterday, his 6' frame towering over me...he said 'I don't really even think about having diabetes except on Endo days and sometimes when I have to check a number.'

'Really?'

'Yeah'

He then went onto say something that briefly caused my eyes to sting.  He said, 'it's weird, but when I look in the mirror...I don't see my POD anymore.  I don't see the CGM.  I just see me.' 

When Joe thinks of himself, he says diabetes doesn't even enter his definition of who he is.

The Endo appointment went well.  Joe continues to do the majority of his care.  He is an active high school freshman and manages to juggle school, being an athlete, and managing diabetes successfully.  His A1C was 7.  A fine number considering his growth and his independence.

He turns 15 at the end of April.  We discussed his drivers permit with his endocrinologist.  You see, driving with diabetes adds another element of risk to just the act of driving.  People with t1d need Medical Clearance Paperwork, in order to get their driver's permit or license.  When Joe starts to drive, he should check a blood glucose prior to driving and every hour if he is driving for more than an hour's time.  He should not drive unless his blood glucose is 90mg/dL, or higher.  Driving low is more dangerous than driving inebriated.

I'm not sure how I am doing with all of this.  Actually, that's a lie.  I do know how I've been doing.  I've been fairly anxious.  High school has been more of an adjustment for me...than for him; I think.  I have had to back off as a hands-on pancreas and trust that I have taught him well.  I have.  Can I just say, at this age, sometimes having that damn Dexcom is a blessing and a curse all in one.  Watching his blood sugar remotely can cause my mascara-fringed eyeballs to bulge outta their orbits when his number is tanking to the 40's, while he is at school or at a hockey practice.  There isn't a darn thing I can do to help him.  I watch.  I wait.  I worry, then I hope and I trust things will be OK.

A day-in-the-life update.

His Pancreating Ways R Driving Me Cray Cray!

"Owww...HARhumph .... MOM!!!  You are talking way too loud!"

Joe and I were on the phone the other day.  He has a new Tracfone.  Dave and I had bought it for Joe as a safety-net as he undertakes all of his various endeavors before and after school, while playing with his pals in the 'hood, and all of Joe's what not.

Joe was calling me from his friend's house.  He and his friend were about to eat a snack.  Our plan was that he was going to call me with a blood sugar number and a carb count and an activity report to calculate how much of an insulin bolus to give.

Back to the convo....

Me:  "Joe, I don't know what you are talking about.  I am talking "normal"." (using an extra calm and soft, soothing voice ... yes, I have one of those)

Joe:  "Oh...I put it on speaker...oops...gonna keep it there though.  My ear is sweaty."

***Ewww****

Joe:  "We are gonna eat a snack."

Me:  "How many carbs?"

Joe:  "29"

Me:  "What was your number?"

Joe:  "Huh?"

*seriously?...how many years have we been doing this?...eye-roll...no sigh...trying to be somewhat of a good parent and pancreas all at the same time... which, by-the-way, is not easy*

Me: "Ah...did you check a number?"

Joe: "No."

Me:  "JOE, check a number."

Joe:  "OK"

*muffled voices, screams, laughter...he is having a good time*

Joe:  "101"

Me:  "What is the snack?"

Joe:  "A Popsicle-y thing."

Me:  "Is it all Popsicle? OR is there some ice cream involved with it?" (If it were all Popsicle, I would only have him cover 10 grams max.  Between the activity level and the glycemic index, Joe tends to drop like a rock when I fully cover Popsicles, juice, and the like)

Joe:  "It is like an Oreo Ice Cream Bar."

Me:  "OK...bolus for 20 of the 29 grams."

Joe:  "Bye Mom"

**********

Not sure what is going on with Joe these days.

We have been doing "Diabetes" for roughly six years now.  The last month or two have proven to be a bit difficult as Joe's independence with diabetes and "life" in general is expanding.  He meanders the 'hood on his bike visiting friends and looking for "work".  He started a Lawn Care business with his friend (his motto is "We put the CARE in Lawn Care" ... catchy).  The playdate, mentioned above, is the fifth home that he has ever gone to without me, his portable pancreas, in tow.  It is the first place that I did not train the parents in preparation for his stay.  I am becoming more and more comfortable with letting loose a bit.  He always travels with sugar. He has the phone.  He is with a friend. We always discuss, double discuss, and triple discuss our "plan" regarding blood sugars and diabetes management.

We are running into some issues though... 

1)  He isn't checking his blood sugar before he eats.

2)  I am getting frustrated. 

3)   I am sighing...out loud...sometimes. 

4)  He says he forgets.  Once he is reminded, he does it without complaint. 

5)  AND.  I catch him free-basing crackers, chips, and snack-like items when we are out with friends. 

Burnout?  I dunno.  Is he really "forgetting" to check?  It is his routine, has been for years.  I think he is he is a bit sick and tired of the never-ending-ness of it all.  I know I am.  Frankly, I am looking forward someone else supervising his "pancreating ways"  when he starts school tomorrow.  And, yes, I feel some guilt over those feelings.  Joe won't get a break.  Ever.

Joe's pancreating driving me nuts in my day-in-the-life.